Let Her Go
Posted at 9.56pm:=== gunna KILL MYSELF TONIGHT FUK OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!! THIS AINT NO JOKE
34 mins later #1 sees this message staring back at her from her facebook page. What to feel, so many swirling thoughts but no true dark fear for Girl. #1 is somewhat surprised at her lack of emotion.
36 minutes later on the phone.
#1 guess what I saw when I logged into my facebook page? At the top of the page this crazy suicidal message. There was one earlier in the day from Girl as well, ranting about going out to get her drunk on but good.
maybe she should kill herself.
#2 *Gasp* on the other end.
#1: that was terrible wasn’t it? I didn’t mean it.
#2 That almost makes it worse.
#1 well, I did maybe mean it a bit. Can you imagine living with those kinds of feelings day after day? She is never going to get the help she needs, she thinks she is fine even though she turns to drugs and prostitution.
#2 She could end up like one of Robert Pickton’s victims.
#1 reckless and careless, it could happen so easily.
if she died she would not have to suffer any more at least. When dogs are suffering you put them down, it’s the humane thing to do. maybe she should be put down and out of her misery.
41 minutes later off phone.
#1 takes another look at Girls facebook page and reads down further. sees nothing but drunken statements and swearing sadness, if she could drink her tears to get drunk she would never be sober again, she could finally drown and end it all.
what about the No Joke part of what she posted? Doesn’t that statement seem a little like attention whoring to anyone else she wonders. Wouldn’t someone who really did want to die not bother with that? A cry for help, but from who, for who? This isn’t the reality of imminent death she thinks as she sits still blinking at the luminescent glow of her iMac.
46 minutes later #1 still staring at Girls status wondering if she should reply, thinks about putting something on her own status like, sad for family or something along those lines. thinks too tacky, should she say something to the pained one? can I really help? would I just be feeding it, the drama she soaks up like a filthy old used up sponge?
50 minutes later still staring doing nothing. refreshing from time to time to see what comes next. maybe a post from Girl that says, “I’m dead, I told you I’d do it!”
Sickest part is that this fills me with an almost envy. I find the recklessness both repulsive and seductive.
I remember the feeling of caring about nothing in the world but getting what I needed, as complicated and stressful as that was. It was also simple. Life in it’s simplest form: survival and to someone like me, like Girl, it is getting high or drunk.
Real life requires so much more thinking it gets tiresome and sometimes I want to shuck the skin of life and slip into the gleaming satiny sense of nothingness.
When does one feels as whole as when they finally take the hit they have been aching for for hours?
55 minutes later No promises, sometimes not even a need to lie anymore. No more apologies way past that. To crave being able to glide away on a wave of blissful sparkling light to a place of peace and softness for just a little while.
Those hours walking around and around townhouse subdivisions watching others live in the real world while taking it in without ever actually having to touch it. A unique worldview only available to us chosen few.
Air feels like cool velvet, sometimes like a warm caress from a caring mother, the world shrinks and becomes about only you and your demons. Fight fight fight play play play fight play fight fight again and again. Play. End. Stop. Here.
59 minutes later #1 anger. how could she email Girl in a way she won’t know who it is. Like *69 for phones. tell her that this time if she is really going to do it, don’t step in front of a truck like last time, because someone else could get hurt. kill herself responsibly.
maybe it’s simply none of her business. what can she do anyway? at some point we are all responsible for out own choices. to help or not to help. let her die on one hand or try and save her with the other.
60 minutes later mind of #1 made up. do nothing. let her go.
