Yeah I Said That

Stuffing feelings down is never a good thing, they fester and mutate and often those feelings of anger, rage, frustration end up rearing their ugly heads in situations that have nothing to do with the root cause. Which, of course, in turn leads to more anger and resentment etc etc.

Learning to deal with these types of feelings is tough, especially if, like you Robyn, have been raised to hide what you really feel.

I know for me I go two ways. when I get into arguments with, I don’t know, like my brother or something, I get mad, he gets mad, we often say crappy things to each other but usually in half an hour all is forgotten. We get over things quickly and move on.

But there is another part of me that isn’t so much anger as it is sadness tinged with resentment and that I tend to try and ignore. Family issues like we all have, feeling like sometimes I’m not getting the support I feel I need, or even talking about how I really feel about things that hurt me. I hate doing that. I rarely do and I know that’s probably not a good thing but…it’s hard.

Communication is so important in any type of relationship but there are many different types of it. Some easier to do than others unfortunately.

I assume that it’s not only me who has a problem with being vulnerable. When push comes to shove I’m the one in the family that has to do the painful things. I have to be the strong one all the time. I don’t even know how that happened.

I had to be the one to tell my 11 year old brother and 8 year old son my dad died, I was the one that had to make all the phone calls to family and friends. I was the one that had to hold the dog down as they tried to stick a needle in her to kill her, which btw took like half an hour (terrible awful incompetent vet), and the other pets that had to be put down were all me too.

I love my family and I know everyone has their role to play but sometimes it’s just so hard. It hurts but somebody has to do it right? Besides I want to protect my family from these things anyway. Duty, love and resentment sometimes go hand in hand. I can’t tell then how truly awful it was putting Honey Bee down and how it was long and painful, I keep that to myself because, I don’t know, why make them suffer too, you know? So I let them think it wasn’t fine, she didn’t suffer. But she did and I think about it all the time. But I’m getting off track, again! As usual.

I dunno, I mean I am kind of an angry person, not at my family though, more at the world in general. I rant and I rave at the ignorance, indifference and callousness of people but it doesn’t ruin my life because those things I feel free to rant publicly about. As I’m sure those who’ve know me longer like Robyn already know That stuff i have no trouble getting off my chest

I really should stop writing at 3.30 in the morn, I babble even more than usual lol!

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Friday, February 5th, 2010, 8:08 am   |   Rants and Stuff  |  RSS feed |  Respond  |  Trackback